This guest post is brought to you by Mark, Jenn’s husband. You may remember me from such posts as the breakfast eggy muffins. My contribution to that post involved sticking my head into the frame when Jenn was photographing the food. This is pretty close to the limits of my cooking ability: getting in the way. In years gone by, Jenn used to say that she wished I cooked more so that she didn’t have all of the cooking responsibility. I have made a few attempts at cooking dinner. These adventures invariably went something like this:
LEGOs, I mean HEROES, arise to battle the sulphurous evil
Me: I’m going to make dinner.
Jenn: Great! You are teh best husband evar!
Me: Where do you keep the spatulas?
Jenn: Cut up these carrots while I take care of this.
Ye olde field artillery
Right in the nards.
I’m only joking a little about this. We have since come to the realization that the kitchen belongs to Jenn, and that she really doesn’t want me in there. I am allowed in to make little things. Quesadillas, omelets, stuff like that. A week ago, while Jenn was out grocery shopping, I was overcome by the strange desire to make hard boiled eggs. I haven’t had a hard boiled egg in years, and came to the realization that I had never boiled one myself. TO THE INTERNET! I found some instructions (recipe?) and made a couple. I made a comment on Facebook that I had done this. Our friend, Chris, asked if I would be putting the recipe on Jenn’s blog. And the seed was planted.
Now, a week later, you are about to read a recipe on how to make a hard boiled egg. A recipe that is essentially boiling water with one additional step. I will turn this into 11 steps.
Its stony carapace encrackened by the frightening impact of the ballista bolt, Sir Percival Hedgeworth von Frinklington sallies forth to bestab the most sinister embryonic horror right in the cholesterol.
With the simplicity of the recipe stated, let me say this: My job description has “engineer” in it. I work in a highly regulated environment. I follow instructions. To the letter. Jenn doesn’t really measure anything. I measure EVERYTHING. Jenn views recipes as suggestions. I feel physical pain if I have to deviate from a recipe. “Salt the pasta water.” How much? I’m going to measure that shit. If a recipe isn’t very specific about something and I’m not sure what to do, I will probably become irritated and grumble and swear through the whole rest of the process. One of my engineery colleagues, let’s call her “Susan,” because that is her name, and I have had several discussions about altering recipes. We are of one mind on these things.
“If we slew this beast before it cooled down, it would have been easier to flay.”
An actual exchange from the egg boil this morning:
Me: Does this count as “boiling”?
Jenn: No, that is not boiling. You know, it boils faster if you put a cover on the pot.
Me: [The Internet] didn’t say to cover it.
I know that water boils faster if you cover the pot. I studied a little thermal dynamics in school. BTUs. Conduction. Relative and absolute humidity. Shit like that. I’m not bragging, I’m just saying that this is obvious to me. But the recipe that I read didn’t say to cover the pot. So I didn’t. That’s how I roll.
Soup’s on, bitches.
So here is how to hard boil eggs:
One (1) pot capable of holding the appropriate number of eggs (see below) with 1-2” of water covering them.
One (1) lid, pot
Water, cold. Sufficient quantity to cover eggs placed in pot 1-2”.
One (1) device (stovetop is typical) capable of applying sufficient heat to the above pot, water and eggs to raise the temperature of the water to 212 degrees F (100 degrees C).
One (1) colander or strainer or spider. For removing eggs from heated water and/or holding eggs while running under cold water (See procedure).
One (1) timekeeping device capable of indicating the passage of 1-10 minutes.
x Eggs, where x=desired number of hard boiled eggs.
Salt (optional) Quantity: unknown. The Internet claims that salting the water may prevent eggs that crack during boiling from oozing out all over and will make peeling easier. No studies were referenced that prove these claims.
1. Place eggs in pot.
2. Fill pot with water, cold. Eggs should be at a depth of 1-2”.
3. Add salt (quantity: unknown) to water (if desired).
4. Place pot+water+egg(+salt) mixture on heating device.
5. Engage heating device to a setting capable of boiling water+egg(+salt) mixture.
6. When water boils,
6.1. If heating device is electric: turn off heat, simmer for 1 minute.
6.2. If heating device is gas: reduce heat, simmer for 1 minute.
7. Remove pot+water+egg(+salt) mixture from heating device.
8. Place lid, pot onto pot.
9. Allow to sit for 10 minutes.
10. Remove eggs from water using spider, or pouring water/egg mixture into colander or strainer.
11. Place eggs into cold water, or under stream of, to stop cooking process.
At this point, eggs may be peeled and consumed immediately or used for other recipes requiring hard boiled eggs (see other recipes for further instructions).